Always falling behind
After publishing my last post, I had a number of people write to me with advice and similar stories. Firstly, thank you! Combining my own half-developed thoughts with your kind input has helped me get a little further.
I believe the one of the root issues I've always struggled with is a deep cognitive dissonance around having enough time. To quote Cécile M. (who wrote her own excellent post about these issues):
I feel stressed because I feel like I have way too much to do, that I have no time, and that I am not progressing through my 'to-do list' at the pace I want to.
In my journey to understand what I want out of life, I've never quite cracked this one. I know there's no such thing as "enough" other than what you define it to be, and yet, I feel an almost existential threat just considering the idea of slowing down. More precisely, I feel like I am always falling behind where I should be.
The question is, falling behind what or who? I suppose some theoretical platonic ideal of myself, who always executes every plan perfectly. In my mind there is a vague threat of "not going fast enough to make it". It’s like chasing the pace-setting ghost in Mario Kart, I can imagine the version of myself that’s always just a little further ahead, taunting me.
I have this sense that I could have the idealistic artists’ life if (and only if) I'm willing to put in extremely large amounts of effort indefinitely. It's like the life I dream of is so extremely difficult to reach that I fear any slight deviation from "the path" could threaten my chances.
This is all obviously baseless on a closer look, I don't even know what this path I'm supposed to be following is or if I'm even on it in the first place. Let's be real, I'm always the most impatient with myself. I expect to do beginner tutorials then produce a masterwork the next day. Sure, why can’t I dive into a new creative medium, programming language or area of study with no background at all. This constant striving has been key to self-learning everything I do (from math to fitness to meditation and philosophy) but when given full control of my own life this reflex just makes me... miserable.
Constantly feeling insufficient is no recipe for a good life. To quote Cécile M. yet again:
I am clearly making the journey much harder for myself than it needs to be.
I think I'm quite stupid for a supposedly smart person. I actually already know where to find my meaning and inner peace: zero-pressure art and creativity. I just keep getting in my own way because I don't want to "squander it". If my artistic spirit were a plant I’d probably have killed it from overwatering by now.
So, despite this line of thinking providing some much needed mental relief, it doesn't help me answer the question of how to spend my time. I think there is another knot to unravel here. I mentioned in my last post that I'm basically LARPing being a full-time game developer to see what it feels like, including the business, marketing and commercial aspects. I'll save the details of this for another post, but I find myself increasingly resistant to thinking of how I can maximise sales and revenue - despite them dictating my personal financial situation.
I’m torn between an edgy rejection of commercialisation and the tiresome reality that I need to promote my work or I can't earn money. To my own financial detriment I am stubbornly determined to find the overlap between effective and sincere promotion of my work. I am, once again, finding that the path that feels right is insanely difficult to walk.
I often dream of making my work free and donation supported, I am so weary of the lens you have to squeeze ideas through for commercial ventures. I only feel comfortable promoting my work by explaining why it's important to me (reading my own words here makes me think I'd really benefit from coaching from someone like Rob and/or Visa).
As evidenced by this newsletter, twitter, youtube, twitch, website and my games/artwork themselves I actually like putting myself out there online. It’s the incentive for growth, views, wishlists, subscribers and ultimately dollars that I hate. I can feel my voice being altered by the expectations of playing someone else’s game.
I’m not opposed to earning money, nor asking for it in return for what I create. I think, however, that I am done with trying to think in terms of “businesses”. I aim to return to thinking in terms of a change I want to make to the world1, which may have a cost associated where required/appropriate. That change might be as small as putting a smile on someone's face while they play my game, or as big as creating tools that unlock the future of digital creativity for others.
I have been business-pilled by the internet, software and games industry for many years. But I can remember a time before that, sitting in my bedroom hacking for hours just because it was cool. That’s still my North Star, doing cool stuff.
I just keep forgetting it! I have this idea that haunts me, telling me that if I just "hit it big" I could earn enough money to do whatever I want without compromise at all! There's a minefield there. "Hitting it big" may require new beliefs, activities and upskilling in areas that ultimately take me further from the person I want to become, just so I can head back there later. Really, this is no different to saving money at my job so I could leave and have this time I already have. If I can't be happy with it now, why would I be happy with it later?
Being with my process and the work while also appreciating the more mundane aspects of life has always been the answer. The next question is how to make that mindset compatible with earning a living. The answer to that might take more than a day or two...
✌️ Ben
This is the true concept of marketing in the first place, according to Seth Godin, so perhaps I’m doing something right.
You might like 4000 Weeks by Oliver Burkeman