Twists, turns and ruts
Twists, turns and ruts
You don't want what you think you want
I left my job at the end of February, which means we're about 4 months into the funemployment journey. A month of that was occupied with getting a puppy, the next with a freelance project and latest with a month of full-time work on games (The Song of The Fae). I know, that was 3 months not 4, the last "month" is scattered between all of this as burnout recovery and prevention.
So, being in the fortunate situation of having no immediate needs or wants highlights that my felt experience of doubt, frustration and cyclical ups and downs has almost nothing to do with the external factors. I already sort of knew this, it’s not surprising but it is frustrating.
I'm even finding that walks, exercise, sleep and diet are not enough to keep things running steadily. I have a theory that the thoughts we think directly determine how we feel. To some of you this may be obvious but I urge you to consider what this means tacitly in everyday life. Even briefly entertaining thoughts of envy, self pity or insufficiency can severely affect our felt experience.
Conversely, thoughts of gratitude, abundance and hope shift things in the other direction. Many religions (and cults) understand this principle, urging us to defend ourselves from daemons which manifest as impure thoughts. I’m more inspired by the Buddhist approach, which is to wilfully practice thinking thoughts that help us feel content.
You’d think that equipped with this perspective and the tools to affect my thoughts that I’d have solved happiness for good. Unfortunately there's one factor none of us can fully account for: ourselves. Thoughts are very sneaky and will pop into your head and shift your mood without even drawing your conscious attention. I speculate that having total personal freedom actually makes it harder to stay on top of your thought patterns. There's no-one to interrupt you or hold you accountable. Evidence: my meditation is patchy and I find myself on the couch a little too often.
I’ve tried hardcore self-discipline, I’ve tried aimless non-coercion and now I find myself floating in between looking for the balance point. I fear, however, that there is no stability to be found here. Only learning this exact same lesson over and over and over again. Even after nearly 3 decades of practice I still lose hours spinning my wheels, worrying about what I should be doing. Am I making the most of this time? More work? Less work? Start a company? Read a book? Make some music? Write an article? Become a hermit?
When you're actually here, fully engaged in the present moment, the answer is obvious: You don't have to do anything but you can't do everything. Hmm, but then how do you pick? I need a little more time to answer that one.
✌️ Ben
I’ve been reading:
📚 In Praise of Shadows - Jun'ichirō Tanizaki