Hi, my name is Ben, and I have a problem with planning.
For as long as I can remember planning has been my ally. If I could just plan diligently enough then I’d never disappoint anyone, I’d always finish things on time and I’d be responsible. Even from childhood I feared being seen as irresponsible by others, preferring to give the impression of having everything together all the goddamn time.
Despite spending much of my early years struggling to find a sense of identity that fit, I somehow failed to recognise that my need to plan was in service of an identity. One of someone who’s diligent, smart, organised, creative and most of all, one of someone who achieves what they want. I’ve talked about how ineffective this way of thinking is in the past so I won’t repeat it here.
Long story short, today I understand that there is no-one to be, nothing to do and nowhere to go (RIP Thich Nhat Hanh). I first learned these lessons through introspection and meditation, ultimately concluding that identity doesn’t even make sense as a concept.
However, as with all good lessons, I continue to learn this one over and over. Each time at a different level of abstraction, scale or perspective and slowly realising that the same truth applies everywhere: there is no path.
Excessively structured thinking will only hold you back, preconceptions about how the world works and what sort of person you might be or become are inherently limiting. They constrain the set of opportunities and ideas you will be open to and can actually lead you further away from I what actually enjoy. Don't be so sure that you know what you want that you ignore opportunities that might show you that you want something else.
On the personal side, I have spent years laser focused on getting where I thought I wanted to go, only to realise that the destination is ultimately unclear. To be more concrete, I have dreamed of making games & creative software and being my own boss since I was ~8 years old.
You only get one life, right, so best not to blow my one chance to do the things I love for a living? I had better make sure I do everything correctly to maximise my chance of pulling off such an ambitious moonshot goal!? I had better put extreme pressure on myself all the time because I’m not there yet!!!? Someone please tell me this is a good idea???!
This reached a fever pitch when I realised that I’ve burned so much brainpower trying to find a path to spend my time doing whatever I want that I lost focus on what I actually wanted to do with that time.
This past year of my life has been a cycle of digging up mental foundations to rebuild them stronger. As I move towards a break from employment (only a few weeks to go now) this has only intensified. I’ve been wrapped around myself trying to think of how on earth I’m meant to make money out my creative projects.
In just the last week I’ve seen the cracks forming as another layer of preconceived notions break apart. What if I could forget about the plan? What if I followed my curiosity and excitement instead? Maybe it’s as simple as doing the best work I can on the things that I’m psyched about?
If I like what I’m doing then I’m already winning and if I don’t like it or grow to dislike it, then I’ll do something else. Every moment is fleeting and it unfolds seamlessly into the next one, there isn't really any use planning out the path ahead because it will never take the form you expect. Does this mean all plans are bad? No, of course not, but (here’s the clever block quote):
I now believe that overthinking about planning is really just planning to overthink.
Of course as an analytical person I am naturally drawn to modelling categories and finding consistency in the chaos but, the thing is, being inconsistent is what makes us human. I can have conflicting beliefs, I can change interests, I can be a new person every day; it’s all allowed (encouraged even).
Instead of asking "what should I be doing?" or the more pernicious "what's the most effective way to get closer to achieving my stated goals?", perhaps start by asking "what am I excited about?"
This is and will likely remain the hard part of living the “artist life” for me: actually getting out of my own way to tap into my creativity without filtering it through social approval, categorisation or just business-brain.
At the end of the day I just want to make things I love & to be surrounded by and collaborate with people I love.
You don't have to overcomplicate it, life can be simple…ish
✌️ ben